All-or-Nothing Thinking: What It Really Is, Why It Shows Up, and How to Respond to it.

You’ve probably heard the classic reminder: “Progress, not perfection.”
Lovely! Inspiring!…and yet somehow not enough to keep perfectionism from running the show behind the scenes.

Maybe you’ve noticed it in the pressure to “eat clean,” follow your routine exactly, or finally feel like every piece of your life is neatly tucked into place. All-or-nothing thinking has a way of slipping into our daily rhythms disguised as ambition, discipline, or “just wanting to be better.” But underneath? It often fuels exhaustion, shame, and the feeling that no matter what you do…it’s never quite enough.

Before we paddle our way out of that mindset (yes, literally—more on our retreat soon!), let’s break down what all-or-nothing thinking really is and how we can loosen its grip.

What Is All-or-Nothing Thinking?

All-or-nothing thinking is a cognitive trap that frames everything through extremes:
Good or bad.
Success or failure.
Perfect or pointless.

It sounds like:

• “If I can’t do the full workout, why bother?”

• “I ate one thing ‘off track,’ so the whole day is ruined.”

• “If I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t even start.”

It leaves very little room for nuance, flexibility, or…being a human.

How Perfectionism Fuels This Thinking

In The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, Katherine Morgan Schafler offers a refreshing take: Perfectionism isn’t something to eliminate—it’s something to understand and work with. She reframes perfectionism as a deeply human desire to feel safe, connected, and capable—not a character flaw.

According to Schafler, perfectionists aren’t doomed to burnout or rigidity. Instead, perfectionism becomes problematic when it’s unmanaged—when its intensity tips us into all-or-nothing thinking, self-criticism, and impossible standards.

Schafler emphasizes something essential:

Perfectionism becomes harmful only when it loses its fluidity.

That’s exactly what all-or-nothing thinking does: it turns us rigid. It convinces us there’s only one right way, one right pace, one right outcome. And when we inevitably fall short of that imaginary ideal, we swing to the other extreme—avoidance, shame, or giving up entirely.

Enter the familiar cycle:

Unrealistic expectation → “I’ll do this perfectly.”
Inevitable deviation → “I messed up, it’s ruined.”
Emotional crash → “Ugh, why do I even try?”
Avoidance → “I’ll start over perfectly on Monday.”

Sound familiar? It’s the perfectionism pendulum—relentlessly swinging between “all in” and “shut down,” rarely letting us settle in the middle.

How All-or-Nothing Thinking Impacts Daily Life

This mindset doesn’t just affect one area—it seeps into everything:

In wellness: Feeling “on track” vs. “off track,” with no space for flexibility.
Rest becomes something you “earn,” rather than something you deserve.

At work: Procrastinating because you can’t do it perfectly—or overworking because anything less feels like failure.

In self-worth: One day you feel proud, the next you’re convinced you're behind, messy, or not enough. It’s a mental tug-of-war that drains your energy and disconnects you from what actually supports your wellbeing.

Finding the Middle Ground: Living in the “Gray”

The solution isn’t “lower your standards.”
(Perfectionists everywhere can exhale.)

It’s about developing flexibility, self-trust, and emotional steadiness—what Schafler describes as learning to lead your perfectionism rather than letting it lead you.

Here are a few gentle places to start:

1. Let “something” be enough.

Five minutes of movement counts.
A half-finished to-do list counts.
A nourishing choice after a hard moment counts.

2. Redefine what success means.

Instead of “Did I do this perfectly?” try:

• “What’s the most supportive choice I can make right now?”

• “What would consistency—not perfection—look like today?”

3. Notice your language.

Words like always, never, ruined, and perfect are red flags.
Try softer language: sometimes, learning, flexible, progress.

4. Celebrate the middle.

Rest belongs. Messiness belongs. You belong—even when you're not controlling every detail.

How This Shows Up at Our Paddling with Perfectionism Retreat

At Wilder Wellness, we talk a lot about living in the “gray,” but our Paddling with Perfectionism Retreat in Costa Rica is where participants actually experience it.

Paddling is the perfect metaphor for working with perfectionism—Schafler style:

• You can’t muscle your way down the water.

• You can’t white-knuckle yourself into a perfect stroke.

• And you definitely can’t control the wind, tides, or currents.

Instead, you learn to work with the conditions rather than against them.

You learn to listen to your body instead of outperforming it.

You practice responding instead of reacting.

You find flow, not by doing it perfectly, but by trusting yourself, adjusting as you go, and letting the water support you.

That’s the whole spirit of the retreat:
Less pressure. More presence. Less rigid perfection. More empowered choice.

It’s about learning—deep in your nervous system—that you can let go without falling apart.
That you can want excellence without all-or-nothing thinking.
That you can make room for both ambition and gentleness.

And honestly? It’s…transformative.

A Gentle Reminder

Perfectionism isn’t bad. You’re not bad for wanting things to go well.
But when all-or-nothing thinking takes over, it steals your peace and shrinks your life.

Stepping into the “gray” doesn’t mean caring less—it means caring better.
It means choosing presence over pressure.
It means remembering you’re worthy even when the day doesn’t go as planned.

Real wellness comes from learning to feel grounded—right here in the messy, beautiful middle.